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I was recently asked to share some reflections on the nature of
conflict and spirituality. The following are some of those
thoughts.
If the absence of conflict is peace then one could reasonably
imagine that any entity which encourages or enhances peace may
reduce or eliminate conflict. In any argument, if common ground
can be developed between the opposing parties, the original
investment in the issues of contention usually fade – the clear
basis of negotiation/arbitration. This is especially true if the
development of each party's interest and/or investment in the
area of commonality is rewarding as much as or perhaps even more
than the parties original expectation concerning their initial
areas of conflicted interest(s). Moreover, what if the
experience of peace or contentment derived from the discovered
areas of commonality are significantly beyond any level of
"pleasure" from the pursuit of and/or acquisition of
satisfaction previously contemplated.
Whether it is a parent attempting to dissuade two three year
olds intent on possessing the same toy or an Ivy League mediator
facilitating a high level corporate dispute, the issue presented
would appear to be frighteningly similar. To have (or get) that
which we seek beyond ourselves is thought to bring "success"
(i.e. joy, contentment, pleasure). We would appear however to
contradict ourselves if we take a closer look at what we know
and how we live. If you ask a parent of a teenager or perhaps
even a teenager older sibling about whether generally giving in
to the demands of a person much younger than themselves would as
a general rule be helpful or harmful, most will usually respond
"of course not!" Yet if we explore what families with means
frequently do with their children's demands for specific objects
from the newest fad toy to a $60,000 SUV, we find often what we
do and what we know do NOT go hand in hand. As a humble lay
student of the human spirit currently and over history, I am led
to conclude two basic things.
The first, and most embarrassing is when I compare the
sophistication and rapid changes we see in the technology today
along side of what appears to be little or no change in the
manner of how we define societal success (we still kill each
other over property). There would appear to be little change in
the later for thousands of years. The second and perhaps most
important is that we as a species appear to have generated our
own dilemma by establishing a kind of subliminal definition of
human success as the absence of pain and/or the presence of
pleasure.
If one asks any average person whether it is possible to live
one's life without unpleasantness (sadness, sorrow, fear,
apprehension, jealousy, uncertainty, and/or anger), the response
is usually "of course not!" and the rationale follows:
"because….. these feelings are just a part of life!" Yet when we
are presented with these experiences daily, we so mindlessly
label them as "bad" and spend incalculable sums on the pursuit
of "why" with the subliminal expectation that elimination of the
offending experience will follow. When go beyond the pursuit of
why and the experiences do not seem to ebb over long periods of
time – we then label them as symptoms of weakness and/or disease
(**) e.g. a "sad" person is just unhappy but a "depressed"
person can be "treated" (i.e. therapeutic removal of the disease
of depression is visualized). Most people I have known agree
that one of the most constant elements in the universe is how
one "feels" about a particular subject and how resilient this
"truth" appears to be. When the feeling is pleasurable, it is
seen as strength. When painful, it is seen as problematic and
unacceptable. Many when aware clearly of the question concur
that they have never been able to forcibly change a feeling
"good" (pleasant) or "bad" (unpleasant). Assuming you do not
like mustard on your pumpkin pie, try some next time and see how
successful you are at "making" yourself like it. What if this
"pain" is actually a gold mine undiscovered. What if, those
"bad" feelings that we spend so much energy, time, and resources
upon attempting to deny, ignore, avoid, and/or replace with
(usually generated) pleasure, are actually elements of some of
our most precious and important aspects.
We have a world of fast moving individuals who fill their day
with activities designed to increase their own possessions, give
other what they want, expand their areas of influence upon
others or perhaps even become sought after by others. It is a
world where it is all too common that by the mid to late 30's
the individual is reporting a sense of discontent, emptiness,
and often futility – in search of (still) the right (marital)
partner, job, income, vehicle, home and/or profession that will
ultimately bring peace/contentment. The hope is that gaining
these "right" things will end the emptiness, the restlessness,
and perhaps the experience of having "missed" the last hour,
day, week, month, year or decade.
What if the gift of life is just as our pensive youthful older
teenage sibling previously acknowledged (before we examined how
he was actually living). What if "The Gift" is simply our in the
moment consciousness of all 6 senses (the classic 5 plus our
emotions) and that is all... or as some would say "the all?"
When I ask the average person to consider rendering every
thought and feeling they have ever had in their life onto an
imaginary binary frame and subsequently invite them to assess
what percentage of their life has to date been unpleasant in
some fashion or manner, I get strong emphatic statements
acknowledging major magnitudes frequently if not commonly
in the above 50-60% range. When the individual then explores how
they have historically responded to their "bad" feeling with
responses other than acceptance, honoring and/or embracing –
they become aware that they have to usually a major extent
failed to provide themselves with the same quiet nurturing
presence that is commonly seen as a critical foundation for the
loving and effective parent and/or friend.
Why do we seek the understanding ear and/or heart of our dearest
friend(s) when in times of great pain and upon finding this
discover some experience or form of peace and yet fail to
recognize as we live that it is only from the development of our
own moment by moment capacity to honor, embrace and even cherish
all of the elements of the Gift of Life – The Gift of
Consciousness will we be able to allow simple contentedness and
peace to be at the center of our lives.
To date all who are on the journey report natural redefinitions
of what is important, what is of value in their lives. While
continuing to pursue the parallel world of laundry, kids, work
and taxes… they report that taking their full essence with them
each moment when practiced and developed their priorities are
naturally revised and prior sources of conflict with
others are drastically reduced if not eliminated.
We have explored for centuries the "positive" aspects of
conflict and perhaps the best thing this writer can say about it
is that for those who have not discovered the full richness of
their own in the moment consciousness, it is a way to define
oneself and spend life-time although I have not yet met anyone
to recommend this as a way of life who has experienced the
alternative. What if a "good" day is NOT a day you feel good,
but a "good" day is a day you simply feel…. All of Life! What if
doing that which we have been so conditioned to pursue as a
mindless definition of success is indeed the author of our
distress. What if the alternative way of living is not only
"better" but easier? The only way you will ever know for sure,
is to explore… yourself… your own "truth" to its fullest extent.
The answer(s) to our human dilemma (and conflict with others)
lies within each of our own spirits.
J Patrick Ware, MD
Atlanta Family Psychiatry
Child, Adolescent, Adult & Family Psychiatry
P.O. Box 871149
Stone Mountain, Georgia 30087
Phone: 770-806-8323
Email: DrJimPat@aol.com
www.AtlantaFamilyPsychiatry.com
Atlanta Dispute Resolution
www.AtlantaDisputeResolution.com
Author of:
An Uncertain Pilgrim © 1997 Aware Publishing
ISBN: 0965822443 & 1585004367
26 April, 2003 |
